Every game has rules. So what are the rules you have for sex? We all have unconscious rules that govern our sexuality. Does the man have to initiate? Does the woman have to feign disinterest? How many lovers can you have at once?
Rewriting the rules of sex means reevaluating who we are in our dating and relationships and discovering a more authentic expression of sexuality. For some this might mean finding their voice with their sexual partners, taking more responsibility for their health and safety, opening up to something new in their relationships, or kicking to the curb anyone who does not reflect the beautiful being that they are. If you aren’t satisfied with your sexual relationships, then the time has come to reexamine sex, relationships, and love and discover what brings you the most happiness, rather than playing by someone else’s rules!
Communicating what you want and don’t want is a more advanced skill than most people realize. Often we are scared of how the other person will react. Will he be angry? Will she be hurt? What will they think of me? Healthy and satisfying sexuality requires very advanced communication skills. Communicating with our sexual partner works best when we are honest, but polite, assertive, but not aggressive, able to say no and receive someone else’s no, and able to create a container for emotion, feedback, vulnerability, and even receiving praise. Communication is critical for amazing, vulnerable and powerful sexuality. What are you not saying?
When we take responsibility for our orgasm we find more pleasure in our sexual relationships. But don’t other people give us orgasms? If we are dependent on the other person to “give us pleasure,” “help us finish,” or “make us come,” we put immense amounts of pressure on our sexual partners to give us what we must first give ourselves. Your orgasm is a deeply internal mental and physical experience that belongs to you and can be amplified with partners if you choose to. But one must first learn what it takes to arrive at that experience including the types of physical stimulation and mental fantasy that arouse them. Are you looking for a partner to complete you, or are you a whole sexual being?
Men and women both have arousal tissue that engorges with blood when excited, but male tissue is just external while female is internal. The average man has 3.5 inches of flaccid external cavernosa tissue called the penis, and an internal portion that makes up the prostate, while the average woman has 3.9 inches of internal cavernosa tissue called crura and vestibular bulbs, and external tissue known as the clitoris. There is the exact same corpora cavernosa tissue in both sexes! The new rules of sex see men and women as equal, like yin and yang, with the same equal parts, just reversed, and where both are capable of endless orgasmic pleasure from external and internal stimulation. Are you and your partners experiencing equal orgasmic bliss?
The pelvis of both men and women requires circulation to be healthy. Our pelvis houses our reproductive systems, which in Eastern medicine supplies the chi, or energy, that the rest of the body needs for great health. The stimulation of the pelvic floor and sex organs moves this energy, known as kundalini, up the spine to remove blocked energy throughout the nervous system. Western medicine describes the same healing response sex, but calls it balanced brain chemistry for improved sleep, lower stress levels and aging reversal, and better heart health and immune system vitality – same results different vocabulary! The pelvis also houses our creativity, and activating our sexuality boosts our creative energy, an important component of happiness. Are you using sex to heal your body and increase your creative potential?
The new rules of sex require that we acknowledge the masculine and feminine in each of us. For too long we have lived in a society where men have had to embody extreme masculinity and women extreme femininity. As a culture we are trying to work our way back to a more balanced masculine-feminine dynamic and each generation takes another step in that direction. However, like the yin-yang symbol, this does not mean a balance of half and half. The man must find the feminine energies within him, and the woman must find the masculine energies within her. What that balance looks like is up to the individual. As we recognize that we are all composed of both energies, which find their yin-yang partner in many forms, we will become tolerant and welcoming of varying sexual expressions. Are you exploring your inner masculine and feminine in your sexuality?
The old sexual paradigm was to label everyone – gay, straight, virgin, slut. But what if the sexuality of others was something we enjoyed rather than judged? The real question is are we treasuring our own unique and varying sexual expression? Do we enjoy our unique sexuality as much as we enjoy the other things about ourselves? As a culture we are slowly taking steps toward honoring the sexuality of others as we grant rights of equal sexual partnership to all, provide holistic reproductive health care, and begin to change sexual education that is biased and harmful. Dropping the labels and judgement around the full range of normal sexuality not only gives others permission to be themselves, but gives us freedom from the suffering that stems from that reaction, and the opportunity to explore more of who we truly are. Who are you sexually if you drop all the labels?
Redefining our sexual lives may be the hardest change of all because we identify so personally with everything we think we want sexually. When sex is no longer black and white, we have access to a wide range of experiences to find satisfaction, connection, and love. Does marriage or partnership have to look the way it does in movies? Do we need to be married if we have lots of sexual, loving relationships? What can you really experience during sexual arousal?
To redefine your sex life you have to start exploring the world around you with new eyes. Look around and be aware with all of your senses. Look at the bodies and sexuality of others and acknowledge how beautiful they are. Let sexuality and beauty inspire you and turn you on. Give yourself permission to feel lust and attraction and let that energy beautify your life and enhance your connection with others. And the next time you find yourself in bed with someone, or even in bed by yourself, don’t play by the same old rules. There is a whole sexual universe outside the box that is waiting to be explored.