They say the biggest sex organ we have is between our ears. But couples trying to conceive often tell me that instead of using their brains to invoke a state of rapture, they think about the arduous task at hand: Making a baby. Baby-making sex often means finding the perfect timing, getting the deed done and an overwhelming pressure to perform.
It’s time for baby makers to take back their pleasure and remember why they are making this baby in the first place, using secrets from the East.
1. Ignite your Yin/Yang
The Taoists have a concept of yin and yang, feminine/masculine, light/dark. The feminine energies—the yin—are about receptivity and nurturing. The masculine energies—the yang—are about making things happen. The question to ask yourself when it comes to fertility is: How can you balance your personal wellbeing and your relationship?
The YIN energies
Are you able to receive? Do you nurture yourself? Practicing this might be taking time out of the day to meditate, listening to inspiring music/podcasts or even reading erotica to put you in the mood. When it’s time for sex, do you allow yourself to slow down and receive love from your partner? It takes 20 to 45 minutes for many women to become aroused. And guess what: Most men don’t like a rush job, either.
The YANG energies
What’s your plan to make your body fertility-friendly? You already are working on diet, exercise, relaxation and sleep, but what about your sex drive? Chinese herbs can help, but so can stirring the fire. The Kama Sutra had it right. Seduce your partner. Dance, dress up, passionately kiss, feed each other, watch erotica, whisper in each other’s ear, light a candle, put on sexy music. You get the picture.
2. Practice Gratitude
Buddhists have a mindfulness practice called cultivating gratitude. Author Philip Moffit, co-guiding teacher at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, says in an article he wrote for dharmawisdom.org: “Practicing mindfulness of gratitude consistently leads to a direct experience of being connected to life, and the realization that there is a larger context in which your personal story is unfolding.”
We humans have a suspicious, negative bias in our brains—a strategy we’ve used for eons to keep us safe—and a gratitude journal can help you remember the positive. Those who have fertility issues can attest to living with fear and projecting their negative thoughts and feelings into the future such as, “What if I never have a child?” “What if my partner leaves me because I can’t make a baby?”
I remind my patients of the mystery and beauty of the unknown. We don’t know what the future holds. It is a great practice to be grateful for what we have now—and this should include your partner. Do you tell your special person what you are grateful for, especially in the sex department? This might be saying, “I love when you touch me softly on my thighs.”
Having gratitude for what your partner is doing well helps to instruct them on other ways to pleasure us. When I work with couples, I find many don’t ask for what they want sexually because of the shame that exists around that ask. If we sandwich what we want with positive statements, or groans of ecstasy, our partner might be better able to meet our needs.
3. The Yab/Yum position
Baby-making intimacy happens long before the actual physical act. It’s hard for couples who are busy all day to change gears and get into lovemaking mode. Women tell me that there isn’t enough foreplay, and they just don’t know how to communicate that.
Why not try some intimacy building exercises?
In a Tantra class I attended, we were instructed to sit in the lap of our partners. Partner A would sit cross-legged and partner B would sit in partner A’s lap with their legs folded around their body. This position is called Yab Yum. If it isn’t comfortable (yeah, everyone’s anatomy is a little different), you can sit in an easy cross-legged position across from your partner. Then start doing some centering, connecting intimacy exercises, like these:
Eye-gazing. When was the last time that you gazed into your partner’s eyes? In Chinese Medicine the liver energies not only open to the eyes but also to the genitals. Can you also try eye-gazing while making love?
Loving embrace. Melting hugs (clothing on or off) can stimulate oxytocin (the bonding hormone). While sitting in the lap of your partner, get close and feel your hearts and loins connect.
Using Eastern secrets to bring the passion back to this sacred union can culminate in the creation of a perfect soul.